When I found out that I was pregnant for the second time and so easily - my cup ran over with joy. I did not think about anything to do with my mental health-- I was just so excited to have another child and so close in age to my eldest- my first born Denison Chase. I knew I was pregnant, like with Denison before I missed my cycle. I felt like an alien had invaded my body - and I am prone to not only morning sickness but all day sickness. I had a okay pregnancy with Denison with staying on my medications for bipolar and OCD so I did not even give it a second thought with this pregnancy.
The doctor I was seeing saw me in my last trimester of pregnancy with Denison- and he seemed perfectly comfortable keeping me on my medication - because I had seen a perenatologist. I was high risk with Dension - due to an incompetent cervix- no my cevix is not stupid- just not strong enough to withstand the pressure of a baby growing inside...
When I found out I was pregnant with Lydia I immediately stopped taking Klonipin( same family as xanax) because I had done so in my previous pregnancy - and it was recomended - to stop taking it for 9 weeks so my baby would have normal palatal development (some women have had babies with cleft palates due to their staying on klonipin in early pregnancy).
I was in a different town and with a whole different group of Doctors- more specifically my Psychiatrist.
My body and mind suffered horrible withdrawl symptoms from stopping the klonipin- and I was advised to ween myself off - but even then - I felt like I was transported back into the spring of 2005 when I was first diagnosed- I felt crazy, affraid, basically paranoid... and I never slept.
I saw my doctor numerous times during the first few weeks, although empathetic - he refused to prescribe my appropriate drugs and told me to simply "hold on- it will pass". Basically my brain was being starved of chemicals that it was use to feeding on to make me feel "NORMAL"...
I was so affraid of everything- it was the fall of 2008 and the weather was bleak - which did not help my circumstances. My mother in law came to stay with me and I shut out everyone except those in my family who knew of my condition- I would cry all day - and would do strange things like repeat myself over and over - so that I might be a loud speaker over the voices -- thoughts that were entering my brain- I was in withdrawl - and felt insane. I thought that I could get through this rough patch - until I started breaking things... cutting my hair... and making sure Denison was safe in his crib before I did anything rash- I thank the Lord that he gave me that much amount of sense and grace...
I seemed to be afraid of anything and everything- I was sick, and paranoid... and my Doctor was less than helpful. I had to sleep in the living room because I was affaid to actually go to bed- Jason my husband would camp out with me and we would watch Christmas movies and movies that I had watched during my childhood - yes it helped and it was a distraction, but when the movie was over and my poor husband exhausted from working and taking care of me -- I would go stir crazy and scream and have crying episodes... I would hit myself and sob... I would say over and over "I don't want to be pregnant anymore... I just want to take care of my baby ." (speaking of my eldest who I could tangibly touch and see). My condition got worse and - there was no one who could really help me... so reluctantly after a horrible episode of braking glasses in the kitchen - screaming and crying - and feeling like I wanted to kill myself-- I started cutting myself with my nails- scratching so hard that I would make my self bleed to get my mind off of whatever it was that was driving me to insanity- it was humiliating. Looking back it seems like an outerbody experience- I have no idea how I could act in such a way-- and feel the way I did- all I knew is that I could not feel this way for not even one more second of my life- and if the solution was taking my own life than - that would have to be the outcome. Thank God - by his Grace and Goodness he gave me such a support system in my Husband - my inlaws- my parents- and my siblings. After another night of horror in my mind, my sister convinced me to go to a crisis intervention center.... and thus sign my self in to a pysch ward for observation and help. When my father in law came and took away Denison - I thought that was the darkest day of my life- little did I know that more storms were ahead - yet more Grace was ahead too...
Stay tuned for my experience of being pregnant in the Psych ward of Abington Hospital... not a pleasent experience- I still have nightmares about that place.
Your so beautiful and brave to share such sensitive tender details of your life with the world. Mental illness is very serious and scarey for those struggling and those watching there loved ones battling it, I know from experience. Chin up beauty.
ReplyDeleteYou ARE brave to share this but at the same time I'm sure there are others who need to know they aren't the only ones experiencing what they are going through. I've been dealing with my own problems and wondering what kind of monster I am and why its so hard to control my emotions. Luckily for me I found a doctor that listened and clued me in to what is going on so now I can feel almost normal again.
ReplyDeleteLove you, friend. I hope you are finding some clarity and healing from putting your story down in writing.
ReplyDeleteI hope that when you read this - it is not just a sad story about "a series of unfortunate events"- but know these struggles, temptations, and wars I battle have been the plan for my life before the earth was created... God's ways are higher than mine and his thoughts so far beyond our own... I tell you this my friends to let you know that you are not alone - to remind myself I am not alone - and that I have endured - am enduring - My God is an awesome God- of what then should I be afraid... I am not there yet, but God is molding me though the ways of suffering, mourning, and even through my mental illnesses to be the vessel he intended- more to come soon - the next recounting of my life is very hard for me to go back to mentally - but soon I will share about my 2nd hospitalization while pregnant with my second child... PEACE BE WITH YOU ALL!
ReplyDeleteI want to thank you for sharing and allowing yourself to be so vulnerable. It's so difficult for the majority of us to let down our guard and let anyone else know that we are human... especially since, we are all human. It's amazing how God uses the horrible times. When you're in the middle of it, you think there is no way God could be in the middle of it let along use something from it. Somehow, He does use it... even if it's to help someone else. You have been such an encouragement to me, and the fact that you have been so open about this only encourages me more. The only wish I had is that I knew about what you were going thru, because I'm sure you were struggling this last pregnancy too. I wish I could have been more of an encouragement to you on your bad days. I'll continue to keep you in prayer. Sending hugs!
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