For Nancy:
It had been days since I really slept. My mother-in-law came to stay with me at our apartment in Willow Grove, Pa, because I was too afraid and paranoid to go anywhere or let Denison out of my sight. My husband would stay up with me as long as he could, he was exhausted, but was determined to see me through this rough patch until my withdraw symptoms had subsided. However, things got worse. I could not longer keep Mom Truitte captive in my home... and I began to feel even more inadequate as a mother and wife with her there. I thought maybe that everyone would be better off without me. She could care for my baby. I had more racing thoughts and felt like a prisoner in my own mind and body. I could not kill myself for one reason-- I had a life inside of me. That is God's honest truth. I do not think I would be alive today if it were not for my little daughter growing inside of me- I was her mama- and I needed to keep her alive, healthy, and safe... but at what cost?
Well more sleepless nights until I started throwing and breaking dishes and scratching my arms till they bled, not to hurt myself purposefully, but to distract my mind from the horrible racing thoughts and the insanity that pleauged my whole being. It was early in the morning and my father in law was called to take my son Denison to his home where he would be out of harms way and safe in my eyes. My sister (a social worker) came and took me directly to the nearest crisis intervention center in our area, which was Abington Memorial Hospital.
We arrived an my sister did the talking, but the BITCH at the front desk was very short in temper and told me I needed to speak up for myself. (Why do people like that work at front desks in emergency rooms, you would think someone who was kind would be there to help you and not make matters worse.) I was taken to an ER room and while being walked back there I saw an old high school friend- Honor Weber. She was working there as a tech. I have no idea what made me call out to her and say hello as if I were seeing her in a bookstore or in the grocery store... I just said as plain as day," Hey Honor what's up"... I felt the words come out of my mouth- and rushed away mortified( I hadn't showered in days and I looked like death). She did not look up from her work, so I thought I was fine. About a half hour later I received a visit from sweet Honor and I told her of my troubles and she was so reassuring and I believe prayed for me then or said she would remember me in prayer. I thought I would be so humiliated, but she put me at ease right away. I remember wishing she could stay with me to comfort me, but of course she needed to work.
That day due to my small veins and dehydration no nurse seemed to be able to get blood and start and IV for fluids... I was poked and prodded and all I could say was it's okay this happens all the time, ha ha I have small veins when I was really thinking one of these good for nothing nurses better get it right or I am going to seriously flip shit. I am happy to say one did. No shit was flipped.
Now on to my so called "case worker"... She was wearing the ugliest wore out white (now beige) sweater and tights... but the sweater did not cover her butt and she had old granny panty lines and was wearing flip flops( I think - I could be lying, but I think she was sporting flip flops). She seemed so unprepared for my case and they would not give me any medication because I was pregnant... I wanted to kill or at the very least hurt myself - was crying and screaming and rocking and they could not even offer me anything until I was admitted - yeah way to get more money out of a patient who just needed an okay to take her own meds. It was a long day, but the only way they would give me medication was if I signed myself into the hospital... I was not thinking straight... never previewed their so called Psych floor - so my ignorance seemed to be my salvation at that time... moments later it would become my hell.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
My long over due blog about the horrors of Abington Memorial Psych. Ward
So... If you don't know me... I am the kind of person who starts something and never follows all the way through - But I believe the stories of my life are so significant to the human spirit and experience that it would be selfish of me to keep my secrets and suffering all to myself...
This specific post is very hard for me to write - especially since I am now almost done my first trimester of my 3rd pregnancy - which has it's own struggles, joys, sorrows, and scariness of it's own.
But here it is my story about being 6 weeks pregnant and forced to seek professional medical help for my mental illness at A.M.H.
It was a dark fall... as before mentioned our family had our share of sickness during this time. Our love child was conceived a day after our anniversary while my husband and I were fighting off a nasty bug. When I found out I was pregnant for the second time - I was over joyed and thanked the Lord that it was so easy to get pregnant... it might be easy for me to get pregnant - but it seems like it is the hardest 9 months of my life while going through them.
I had been seeing a Dr. Levin - out of Doylestown, PA during my last trimester with Denison( My first) and thought that he would treat this pregnancy the same. I was very wrong. I remember perinatologist telling me to get off my meds for the first couple of weeks and then after 9 weeks I could restart to introduce a higher dosage back into my body... I weaned myself off - before my appointment with Dr. Levin. He told me that was not a smart thing to do - and that I should give my body more time to adjust - but he had no intention of putting me back on any of my medication. I remember him stooping down on the floor to find his big "mental illness/med compatibility book" and reading to me all the horrible things that could happen to my baby if I continued to take meds. He was less than helpful, yet empathetic- for he shook my tear drenched hands and said hang in there...
As you can imagine I did not fare well under these circumstances - my anxiety, OCD, and Bipolar ruled my life - I was living second to second trying to make it through the next half hour- and then hour... it was one of the scariest things I have gone through in my life to date.
A few weeks went on - a couple more pep talks from Dr. unhelpful- no meds for me - and I began to loose my mind- my brain and body-- was starving for these drugs that finally had made me more like "Becca" again...
This specific post is very hard for me to write - especially since I am now almost done my first trimester of my 3rd pregnancy - which has it's own struggles, joys, sorrows, and scariness of it's own.
But here it is my story about being 6 weeks pregnant and forced to seek professional medical help for my mental illness at A.M.H.
It was a dark fall... as before mentioned our family had our share of sickness during this time. Our love child was conceived a day after our anniversary while my husband and I were fighting off a nasty bug. When I found out I was pregnant for the second time - I was over joyed and thanked the Lord that it was so easy to get pregnant... it might be easy for me to get pregnant - but it seems like it is the hardest 9 months of my life while going through them.
I had been seeing a Dr. Levin - out of Doylestown, PA during my last trimester with Denison( My first) and thought that he would treat this pregnancy the same. I was very wrong. I remember perinatologist telling me to get off my meds for the first couple of weeks and then after 9 weeks I could restart to introduce a higher dosage back into my body... I weaned myself off - before my appointment with Dr. Levin. He told me that was not a smart thing to do - and that I should give my body more time to adjust - but he had no intention of putting me back on any of my medication. I remember him stooping down on the floor to find his big "mental illness/med compatibility book" and reading to me all the horrible things that could happen to my baby if I continued to take meds. He was less than helpful, yet empathetic- for he shook my tear drenched hands and said hang in there...
As you can imagine I did not fare well under these circumstances - my anxiety, OCD, and Bipolar ruled my life - I was living second to second trying to make it through the next half hour- and then hour... it was one of the scariest things I have gone through in my life to date.
A few weeks went on - a couple more pep talks from Dr. unhelpful- no meds for me - and I began to loose my mind- my brain and body-- was starving for these drugs that finally had made me more like "Becca" again...
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Insane in the membrane insane in the brain...going off meds during early pregnancy
When I found out that I was pregnant for the second time and so easily - my cup ran over with joy. I did not think about anything to do with my mental health-- I was just so excited to have another child and so close in age to my eldest- my first born Denison Chase. I knew I was pregnant, like with Denison before I missed my cycle. I felt like an alien had invaded my body - and I am prone to not only morning sickness but all day sickness. I had a okay pregnancy with Denison with staying on my medications for bipolar and OCD so I did not even give it a second thought with this pregnancy.
The doctor I was seeing saw me in my last trimester of pregnancy with Denison- and he seemed perfectly comfortable keeping me on my medication - because I had seen a perenatologist. I was high risk with Dension - due to an incompetent cervix- no my cevix is not stupid- just not strong enough to withstand the pressure of a baby growing inside...
When I found out I was pregnant with Lydia I immediately stopped taking Klonipin( same family as xanax) because I had done so in my previous pregnancy - and it was recomended - to stop taking it for 9 weeks so my baby would have normal palatal development (some women have had babies with cleft palates due to their staying on klonipin in early pregnancy).
I was in a different town and with a whole different group of Doctors- more specifically my Psychiatrist.
My body and mind suffered horrible withdrawl symptoms from stopping the klonipin- and I was advised to ween myself off - but even then - I felt like I was transported back into the spring of 2005 when I was first diagnosed- I felt crazy, affraid, basically paranoid... and I never slept.
I saw my doctor numerous times during the first few weeks, although empathetic - he refused to prescribe my appropriate drugs and told me to simply "hold on- it will pass". Basically my brain was being starved of chemicals that it was use to feeding on to make me feel "NORMAL"...
I was so affraid of everything- it was the fall of 2008 and the weather was bleak - which did not help my circumstances. My mother in law came to stay with me and I shut out everyone except those in my family who knew of my condition- I would cry all day - and would do strange things like repeat myself over and over - so that I might be a loud speaker over the voices -- thoughts that were entering my brain- I was in withdrawl - and felt insane. I thought that I could get through this rough patch - until I started breaking things... cutting my hair... and making sure Denison was safe in his crib before I did anything rash- I thank the Lord that he gave me that much amount of sense and grace...
I seemed to be afraid of anything and everything- I was sick, and paranoid... and my Doctor was less than helpful. I had to sleep in the living room because I was affaid to actually go to bed- Jason my husband would camp out with me and we would watch Christmas movies and movies that I had watched during my childhood - yes it helped and it was a distraction, but when the movie was over and my poor husband exhausted from working and taking care of me -- I would go stir crazy and scream and have crying episodes... I would hit myself and sob... I would say over and over "I don't want to be pregnant anymore... I just want to take care of my baby ." (speaking of my eldest who I could tangibly touch and see). My condition got worse and - there was no one who could really help me... so reluctantly after a horrible episode of braking glasses in the kitchen - screaming and crying - and feeling like I wanted to kill myself-- I started cutting myself with my nails- scratching so hard that I would make my self bleed to get my mind off of whatever it was that was driving me to insanity- it was humiliating. Looking back it seems like an outerbody experience- I have no idea how I could act in such a way-- and feel the way I did- all I knew is that I could not feel this way for not even one more second of my life- and if the solution was taking my own life than - that would have to be the outcome. Thank God - by his Grace and Goodness he gave me such a support system in my Husband - my inlaws- my parents- and my siblings. After another night of horror in my mind, my sister convinced me to go to a crisis intervention center.... and thus sign my self in to a pysch ward for observation and help. When my father in law came and took away Denison - I thought that was the darkest day of my life- little did I know that more storms were ahead - yet more Grace was ahead too...
Stay tuned for my experience of being pregnant in the Psych ward of Abington Hospital... not a pleasent experience- I still have nightmares about that place.
The doctor I was seeing saw me in my last trimester of pregnancy with Denison- and he seemed perfectly comfortable keeping me on my medication - because I had seen a perenatologist. I was high risk with Dension - due to an incompetent cervix- no my cevix is not stupid- just not strong enough to withstand the pressure of a baby growing inside...
When I found out I was pregnant with Lydia I immediately stopped taking Klonipin( same family as xanax) because I had done so in my previous pregnancy - and it was recomended - to stop taking it for 9 weeks so my baby would have normal palatal development (some women have had babies with cleft palates due to their staying on klonipin in early pregnancy).
I was in a different town and with a whole different group of Doctors- more specifically my Psychiatrist.
My body and mind suffered horrible withdrawl symptoms from stopping the klonipin- and I was advised to ween myself off - but even then - I felt like I was transported back into the spring of 2005 when I was first diagnosed- I felt crazy, affraid, basically paranoid... and I never slept.
I saw my doctor numerous times during the first few weeks, although empathetic - he refused to prescribe my appropriate drugs and told me to simply "hold on- it will pass". Basically my brain was being starved of chemicals that it was use to feeding on to make me feel "NORMAL"...
I was so affraid of everything- it was the fall of 2008 and the weather was bleak - which did not help my circumstances. My mother in law came to stay with me and I shut out everyone except those in my family who knew of my condition- I would cry all day - and would do strange things like repeat myself over and over - so that I might be a loud speaker over the voices -- thoughts that were entering my brain- I was in withdrawl - and felt insane. I thought that I could get through this rough patch - until I started breaking things... cutting my hair... and making sure Denison was safe in his crib before I did anything rash- I thank the Lord that he gave me that much amount of sense and grace...
I seemed to be afraid of anything and everything- I was sick, and paranoid... and my Doctor was less than helpful. I had to sleep in the living room because I was affaid to actually go to bed- Jason my husband would camp out with me and we would watch Christmas movies and movies that I had watched during my childhood - yes it helped and it was a distraction, but when the movie was over and my poor husband exhausted from working and taking care of me -- I would go stir crazy and scream and have crying episodes... I would hit myself and sob... I would say over and over "I don't want to be pregnant anymore... I just want to take care of my baby ." (speaking of my eldest who I could tangibly touch and see). My condition got worse and - there was no one who could really help me... so reluctantly after a horrible episode of braking glasses in the kitchen - screaming and crying - and feeling like I wanted to kill myself-- I started cutting myself with my nails- scratching so hard that I would make my self bleed to get my mind off of whatever it was that was driving me to insanity- it was humiliating. Looking back it seems like an outerbody experience- I have no idea how I could act in such a way-- and feel the way I did- all I knew is that I could not feel this way for not even one more second of my life- and if the solution was taking my own life than - that would have to be the outcome. Thank God - by his Grace and Goodness he gave me such a support system in my Husband - my inlaws- my parents- and my siblings. After another night of horror in my mind, my sister convinced me to go to a crisis intervention center.... and thus sign my self in to a pysch ward for observation and help. When my father in law came and took away Denison - I thought that was the darkest day of my life- little did I know that more storms were ahead - yet more Grace was ahead too...
Stay tuned for my experience of being pregnant in the Psych ward of Abington Hospital... not a pleasent experience- I still have nightmares about that place.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Concieving Lyddie
It is a funny story how my darling Lydia Grace was concieved...
It was my 3rd wedding anniversary and I was sick as a dog - and so was my infant son- and loving husband. Thinking that we all might have a chance of getting better I sent Denny our son to his faternal grandparent's house...
Our anniversary passed with both of us laying in bed with tissues strewn all over the floor, but we had another night to ourselves - and since it was our anniversary I thought we should make love - if only for the sentiment alone.
I asked my husband Jason what he thought about fooling around - he feeling better than I was more apt to say okay - let's do this... So I said very romantically - okay we can make love but I am just going to lay here and let you do your thing because I feel so sick .... to which he replied - sounds good to me...
Thus came about the concivieving of our second child Lydia Grace Truitte.... I was looking forward to sharing this embarressing information with her when she was married or on the night before her wedding... but alas it was not in God's plan to keep her here on earth. I had a very hard pregnancy - with you I will share all the details I can remember - it hurts me to remember, but it also makes me strong!
More to come soon...
It was my 3rd wedding anniversary and I was sick as a dog - and so was my infant son- and loving husband. Thinking that we all might have a chance of getting better I sent Denny our son to his faternal grandparent's house...
Our anniversary passed with both of us laying in bed with tissues strewn all over the floor, but we had another night to ourselves - and since it was our anniversary I thought we should make love - if only for the sentiment alone.
I asked my husband Jason what he thought about fooling around - he feeling better than I was more apt to say okay - let's do this... So I said very romantically - okay we can make love but I am just going to lay here and let you do your thing because I feel so sick .... to which he replied - sounds good to me...
Thus came about the concivieving of our second child Lydia Grace Truitte.... I was looking forward to sharing this embarressing information with her when she was married or on the night before her wedding... but alas it was not in God's plan to keep her here on earth. I had a very hard pregnancy - with you I will share all the details I can remember - it hurts me to remember, but it also makes me strong!
More to come soon...
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